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Laura’s got the news on the newly recovered Gospel of Judas. I just happen to know Coptic, so I’ve posted my translation below:

Passover Sucks
The Cruise
By Judas Iscariot

Hola, amigos. What’s the good news? I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, but you would not believe the week I’ve had. It all started with my mom nagging me about finding a nice girl to settle down with. Now, I like chicks as much as the next guy, but like I keep telling Ma, my style needs to remain uncramped for a while longer.

So just when I get her off of that subject, she starts in on the whole Passover thing. She has Seder every year, and this time she’s really harping on it. I think it’s because she invited one of those nice girls to fix me up with. Normally, I’d go anyway, because even nice girls can get fun after four cups of wine, but this year I already promised JC and the guys that we’d hang for Passover.

Which brings me to the really heavy shit that happened. So I figure that Passover with the guys is gonna be pretty chill, maybe kick back a few beers and see what’s playing at the Flavian Amphitheater. But a few days before, Jesus asks me to come over to his place. At first, I wasn’t going to go, because my chariot had popped a spoke, but I decided to walk over, since he always has some righteous bud on hand. I figured a few good tokes would take my mind off all the hassle. And did it ever. Until he started gettin’ serious, that is.

I was pretty stoned when he asked me if I wanted to make some silver, but I answered yes right away. Money’s been a little tight at casa de Iscariot ever since I lost my job at the Latke Hut. I thought he just knew a guy at the chariot body shop or something, but it turns out he wanted me to sell him out to the Feds. I told him that I’m no narc, but he was saying all this stuff about sacrificing his physical flesh, so I finally agreed, just to shut him up.

Anyway, long story short, I did what he wanted and now he’s locked up and I’m the one getting fucked. Everybody thinks I’m a total snitch who did it for the money, but I was just trying to help out a pal. Matt, Mark, Johnny, and the whole gang aren’t talking to me anymore, like I’m some kind of traitor or something. Even “Cool Hand” Luke has a bug up his ass. JC’s got this saying about when a guy sucker-punches you, you should let him hit you again. I guess to see if it hurts as much, or something. Well, I feel like Jesus sucker-punched me, and you know there’s no way Judas is going to hang around for the second one. I know this guy with a field where I can lay low for a while until all this shit blows over.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 6th, 2006 at 7:50 pm and is filed under Weirdness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.